I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
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