I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
