I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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