saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
