I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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