never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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