Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
