sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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