I can tuck mytits in my pants
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
