Got a toothbrush?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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