Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
