The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
