I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i now understand why vodka
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
