I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize