the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
