Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
