I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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