Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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