Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
