that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
