Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think my moral compass just broke
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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