Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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