wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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