so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize