Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
