The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i want to swaddle you in tequila
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
