I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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