I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize