Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
