1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
so explain again why im purple
no
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
