Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
