Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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