girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
