you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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