my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
