I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize