I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
