Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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