I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
