lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
