I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize