loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
