My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
