if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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