Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
