He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
