The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
