Yo dont text me then not text me
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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