I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
