I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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