It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
