just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
