question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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