I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Randomize
