just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
