2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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