He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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