I am spending my child support on dildos
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
