I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
