first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just want nice things and good sex
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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