I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
