i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
