I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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