I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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